Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
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*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”