Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
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Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”