I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
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This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night