Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
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“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Monday Lisa
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.