Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
You Might Also Like
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”