shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
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Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.