Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
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[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Yes my dude
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my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.