[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
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What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
whenever i wake up before my alarm
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Trumpy Cat
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):