PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
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Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
The 6 types of sex
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.