I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
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Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.