[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
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there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.