[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
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*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids