Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
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I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
I think the cat got the dog high.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
groan^2
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.