today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
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[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Denise please return my vape pen
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine