If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
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My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
i would wish you the best but i am the best
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators