*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
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Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Catering service
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates