What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
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wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Fluff me with a fork baby
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.