Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
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The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Somebody call the cops.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
where’s Godzilla when we need him
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table