Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
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A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions