*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
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*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???