Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
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TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
omg leave her alone
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.