[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
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“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”