The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
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Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.