“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
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Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay