[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
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my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Waiting for the Charmin
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early