just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
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ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
Introverted vegans go meetless
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
How I like cutting carbs
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Previously On Persistence 😎
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
#oldknees