Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
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I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
A classic…
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.