“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
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People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
For cardio I live beyond my means.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.