If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
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If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?