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FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
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skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]