i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
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My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Flowers bee like
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
this is literally a CIA plant
*pronounces patio like ratio
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.