[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
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Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
Me irl
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”