Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
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I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Fluff me with a fork baby
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong