[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
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Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”