Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
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I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
Just so funny
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
I’m about to risk it all
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.