I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
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My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀