Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
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I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math