“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
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Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
starting a garage orchestra
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”