[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
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So inspired right now.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
This story is comedy gold 😂
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
you gotta be faster
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now