Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
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Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”