Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
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My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Every BBC series about the universe.