me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
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friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
This is enough internet for the day.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.