I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
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So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.