Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
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I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One