rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
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boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence