I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
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Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
So true for me
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means