*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
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Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
How to wake up a Beagle
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.