Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
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My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Hmm, not sure about this change
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.