Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
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Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Fidel Castro was alive?
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?