[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
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Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.